As much as I rather not admit feeling upset, feeling this feeling of feeling nausea because no other emotion can describe my state, I feel it.
It’s all in myself, and I have created this negativity within me.
In my defense I don’t think I’ve created it as much as I have taken information and my own preconceived feelings and distorted them into a way that makes me want to quit.
Quit what? I can’t—I don’t want to.
But I can’t lie and say I have not imagined it. Imagined quitting. Because it’s always easier to quit, isn’t it?
I DON’T WANT. BUT I DO.
I have become someone, I have entered a new stage in my life where things that I wish never mattered to me do. THINGS.
I blame these things that have slowly crept over me above me under me.
Being someone who wants even her blinks to have a purpose, a meaning, when I feel lost in a situation…It burns.
I don’t believe I’m strong enough to withhold from these feelings anymore, these doubts.
I strive to be different, to be better than them!
This is when I am coming to face the reality in the matter.
I am no different. You are no different. We are all no different.
But let me pretend that this isn’t so for a while longer…because today hurts.
it doesn’t have to be elaborate
i don’t care for fancy dates
but if he says,
"hey let’s grab some coffee, my treat."
"i need to buy a sweater, help me choose?"
"i haven’t seen you in awhile, let’s go watch a movie."
it sounds totes better than
"idk what do you want to do choose"
I think as much as I’d like to avoid religion in my life I should realize by now that if anything, faith is really close to my heart. I run away from it because I have put new people and new responsibilities and new commitments in front of my relationship with God.
I still believe in you, I’m sorry I forget to make that known sometimes.
No one can take that from me.